I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
