I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
