My girlfriend figured out who you are.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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