I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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