So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
