She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
