I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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