I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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