You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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