The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
