He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
