how can u be prego again
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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