my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
