"it" just moved
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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