He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
