Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I love you.
Bad choice
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