Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
