She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
