I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
