You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
