Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
