My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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