my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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