i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
