Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
