i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
