U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
