She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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