i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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