I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize