you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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