I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
