I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
