Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I enjoy the company of your penis
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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