Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
