Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
