have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Randomize
