Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
