were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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