im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
