I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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