Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize