we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
