She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Help me help you realize you are a moron
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
