you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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