I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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