i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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