just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
