Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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