Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
