That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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