Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
