i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
