I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
