theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
