??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
