So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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