i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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