He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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