so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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