Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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