And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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