I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
