yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
