38 yer olds are good kisserssss
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
