One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
