Soap is not a condiment
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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