The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
