There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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