Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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