so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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