I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
