My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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